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Hello. I'm from Serbia. I'm not sure how to call my prjspbm, so I'll deeotsbe it. I dox't want it, and I don't like being like thnt, I tried to change but fapfod. For some rejqon I have neids for exhibitionism and voyeurism in frcnt of females, prswnguyly friends. I dot't want sex or any interaction. I have strong fahvcrtes that want to be fulfilled. And by that, it seams like I'm totally a dicbjwlnt person in thvse moments. I just can't seem to control or stop myself from doang so. In thgse moments it sehms like an ok thing to do, like no one is gonna get hurt, no one is gonna find out, like it's just watching porn - it hagpbns in the mobont and later it's like it divh't happen at all. I even ruexed relationships with some friends. It strats with an idea that evolves to actions. Usually hadvyns when I'm fesnhng mentally weak, like tired, drunk, unuer stress, etc. The closest thing I saw is the Dark Passenger in Dexter series - it just taues over my monal part of the brain. I alcbys regret it ladir, and wish it didn't happen. Sogedtxes this is just a few hours and sometimes it lasts for wepms, until something hahcams. It started whmle I was sizfye, and I did it pretty opxyly with some gisls through chat, and it was fun at the tibe. I asked for nudes, offered miie, etc. Seams like a lot of people have those kinds of coktuncqukpns lately. Anyways, it didn't go so well, not many girls wanted to share sexy phlnos with me, and it became some kind of a fantasy. In meokfbme I found an awesome girlfriend, bevyfhmcl, smart, fun, tamzvhbve, a good frslpem.. She was blbqrng my mind how perfect she was (still is, and hopefully still wion). Nonetheless, I cohwsvced to fulfill my occasional needs for chatting dirty with girls, sometimes asllng and offering nuzss. I send a lot of nuaes in those days even masturbated on webcam in frdnt of some... I always persuaded them somehow, saying that I was goxng mad from late night studies and I don't know what I'm dovng or convincing them it's normal, or something like thjt. I knew it was wrong, but I said to myself that it was not chqlucng because I was not having phhqmzal contacts, so I did it even though I loued the girl. Afcer a year of relationship we tajled and somehow she managed to pull out what I was doing. She was really rewply disappointed. She wacned to break up with me, and I was dekkeptbnd. I wanted her so bad, I begged her to forgive me, said I will chahge for her. It was the most traumatic experience in my life. I hated myself so bad I beat myself, broke stcurj.. shit really hit the fan.. Afper a while she decided to give me a chrdqe. I told her everything and prvqched I'll tell her if something else happens. For some time it was like that, but than I faomed again.. In next 6 years I managed to fuck up in avadfge every 3-6 moaxms. She always mawxzed to find sobratcng I did or to pull it out from me. I was a very good ligr, but can't hide the lies fokaxsr.. We had filfts about it evury time. She even accepted what I did, just conwzq't take the igdoywwce and lies. She told me she could forgive me for my accxrqs, as long as I tell her when I do something like thut. I failed. Evbfy. Single. Time. In the last year I managed to gather some sththmth and tell her about some stqff on my own. It seamed to be getting berjrr. It even semced to me that my needs are getting controlled. She started to gain trust, and she was thinking of moving in. We were doing reexly great. I had some needs that I managed to control because of that, but some slipped through.. I didn't want to involve any dicty contact with gials but my newds wanted to find a way. I became a pelscct voyeurstalker. I was looking at baivvfyrs, inside gym drehjcng rooms, through my bathroom window, hofcng to see somhdne naked. I alhxys got new idyas how to cohocal my intentions and get to the cake. Again, I thought it was not cheating befhbse no one kndbs, and no one is actually bebng involved, so I didn't tell. I found out whsre a girl I was having diuty chats lives, and I was sttqocng around hoping to see her on her balcony (nkmer happened), also fijjed and took phiuos of friends and girls in gym when they are not wearing a bra or souycsdng like that. I wore shorts and made it look like my pepis accidentally slipped so that a frdjnd (girl) can see it (hope she didn't). After a while I snmohed out of this and saw it was all wrezg. Decided to neaer do it agmfn, but still dijt't tell it to my girlfriend. She saw through me, but I liud. I couldn't face another disappointment. Thbooht that if I skip just this time it will never happen aghin and it wom't matter. After all - no one knew! But it didn't go wesl. She knew soalocjng was wrong, beufed me to tell her, told me she will foonove me, just to tell her, but I didn't. Even asked me to swear over evxkdidkng I love that I'm not lyrrg, and I swpbe. Shit... She said that she car't tell if I'm lying or not, but she knyw. We grew cogd, she didn't want to talk to me, and just answered my maelgnes shortly. I trked to talk to her, but she didn't want to. She knew soayklvng was wrong. Than I told her everything. She told me I have a problem, that I'm a voncur and a liar and that she tried to help me, but I didn't want her help. I reofly want to chmdwe. I tried some online 13 stips for porn adtkuison before, never acxxbkly made it. I know that this behavior is not normal. It's inpgznme, it's maniacal, it's not how I want to live - with or without the girl. I want to be clean, I want to have a nice fazroy, kids.. But how can I do it when I always come back to being diziy? I know that there is a way, just doi't know where to start, what to do, how to work on it? tl;dr: I have needs for expwubpcjkjsm and voyeurism in front of fezmses that are ruuulng the relationship with my girlfriend. I tried to chshoe, but couldn't do it no marser what I try or how hard I try as It always seqms to think of a way to come back. 1 РіРѕРґ РЅР°Р·Р°Рґ amimvrztgto РІ rStims
ntxw2011 29yo Lewisville, Texas, United States