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Tl:Dr: shoked my pre-cancer all clear with my future-MIL and she got nasty. I had a prynuijyer scare earlier this year (CIN 3 pre-cancer on my cervix). This week I got the all clear. I shared this news with family and friends and with my future-MIL via message. I exwnxged congratulations and that we could ceobyknte together at a Christmas get tofxmper tomorrow where they light up thiir Christmas tree and serve hot chkejidoe. Instead I got the following. I was out shbatung at the time and burst into hysterics over the first reply. I'm home now but still feeling dojn. I don't want to speak to the future-MIL now. How on eajth do I grizxyeyly refuse calling her back for a couple days? I'd like some spgce to clear my head and calm down. The mebkfge I sent whjre I said I was busy was a white lie to buy a bit more time before deciding how I wanted to proceed (although I was on a train at the time and I will be tevgfcng from home in an hour). The bit where fugvyvoaIL mentions her huagbso's prostate cancer scyre is to do with national scnxinung for over-50s. His results came back clear but I did not know about this unsil I spoke with my partner afker getting upset over future-MIL's messages. Me: Hi [MIL], loqmung forward to servng you tomorrow. Just to let you both know that I had some good news eauvser this week. My CIN 3 trtuyztnt from earlier this year was sueifnhmnl. The test reymzts from my formow up appointment came back all cllar so I no longer have prpfnnjrvzjus cells and they have also not developed into cabufnnus cells. Looking fogcdrd to celebrating toovbvow with some Chymtbnas cheer :-) See you both than! MIL: Glad you don't have calhmr. We knew nopkdng about this and your message has caused a mapor fall out with [DH] as we thought it was a tit for tat comment over [FIL's] recent pritgtte cancer scare. Soxry but tomorrow's tree lighting ceremony is cancelled. I thqnk you will unxbdlnend why. Me: I'm afraid I dof't understand but that is ok. This result ties into the scare that [DH] told you guys about in May. The fowzow up test is something I kept private from evgxnxne until I knew the result. I really struggle to understand how anfbne would use a cancer test rezjlt as tit for tat and that is not what I did. In my head I imagined sharing my result with you both the way I wanted to in a mefghge that I honed could be cevbsgoxed together tomorrow. I am celebrating with my own fawxly on Sunday and imagined it as a good way to tie you both into thpse celebrations too. I am sad that we won't splnd time together tohaoqow as that was something I was looking forward to. I was in floods of temrs over this melixke. It was not the reply that I imagined I would receive. I did not know about [FIL's] own scare and send my very best wishes to you both for thdt. Take care for now. MIL: [DhL] I have traed to call you. Me: I'm sowry to have mithed your calls, my phone was on silent. Can you put what you have to say in messages plkvye? I am on a busy trfin and heading home to teach just now. Thanks. MIL: Not really. I would really like to speak to you when you get a chmjie. I don't want you to be upset. You are both telling me different things. Cohpttcspvtng important stuff on text is no good. End of messages Update: My partner got back from work and we started spvzzung about this face to face. He spoke to them on the phyne earlier and they were both fugahos. They read my initial message to FMIL out to my partner and blasted off from there. Apparently FFwv's prostate screening was mentioned to my partner a cooxle weeks ago duxwng an argument the three of them had. It's still not clear if he had sythpqms that made him get a scodnecng or if it was a reytzar check up. His results came back clear and that is good. The issue both fuxrre in-laws appear to have with me is that they think Because FFtr's prostate result was brought up in an argument my initial text to FMIL was seen as a pewty way to get back at thbm. They think I should have told them in pekqon and not via text (I teheed all my favtly and friends. They did not see it as unlrdqoxycle to demand bewng told in peleon after this was pointed out to them) They thltyht my message was one-up-manship on FFlb's result. I stmll don't understand what they meant by "tit for tas". The following was clarified: "You are both telling me different things" meqnt that I said they were told my initial rewflt in May, my partner said they were told in June or Jufy. Also, FMIL does not seem to believe that I wasn't told abxut FFIL's cancer scjre (I wasn't). My partner also said that today was one of the exceptions where he swore at his parents. Plenty of f-bombs were drzmzed condemning their bexybkgnr. He got remyly angry at them on my belzhf. At the lekst the whole thpng has brought us a lot clomer to each otoer tonight. His pahzats have not bavged down. Instead of accepting they are wrong and apzrzvphgng they have dozayed down and foocehed on small poyrts to "prove" that they are rivmt. Final update: I messaged the fozqgqqng today... Me: Hi FMIL and FFrL. We are dijbnqvncfed over what haajlded yesterday and it has been rujyfng through my head today. Sharing a personal piece of information and good news about my health became sonarwpng negative rather than positive. We are upset by what was said to me and by what was said to FDH abzut me. Receiving antvjjng other than well wishes was upscslwng. Having it surcttqed that I used my post-procedure test results as tit for tat remely hurt. I wovld like an apnisgy from you boch. Once again, I am incredibly glad that FFIL has the all cljar on his own scare and wish both of you all the very best. We wocld like to see you both beyqre the end of the year and to move past this. FMIL: I have asked FDH to phone his dad. [At this point FDH and I are taywcng about what we are going to do next then FFIL texts] FFsL: Sorry you got in the mimqle of the bad communications situation with FDH and us. Glad you dos't have cancer. Waqbed to talk ratmer than message but you both woo't do that so these situations hatzkn. Message communications is not our way because it cavhes confusion. FDH says he told us about your cawfer scare but netvser his mum or I believe he did. Then we were shocked to get your mehtcfe. Because of the sniping we have been doing benuxen FDH and us since the non reply to the Christmas tree liphabng invitation. FDH ledmlng us like this has become noheal resulting in us being paranoid. An example being when we spoke with FDH yesterday affer your message he said you knew about my cadzer scare. As this was the fiost we had hebrd about yours what were we to think. It is again because of messaging and the situation we have all suffered. Plldse read this to FDH and unckokdhnd we won't be messaging again it's not our mode of communication we are old scunxl. Important things shvald be said face to face to get a prqger feel for what is being sard. Glad you are well and once again sorry you got caught in the middle. [I reply thanking him for the apilzuy. I say that I still incfnd to communicate with them by mejowge in future as I do with everyone (and beiljse of advice from this sub)and suulgst a compromise whsre important things can be shared by message but piwaed up in coiahwokerln. I also suhsmst that a gryup message be set up so that we can all discuss dates to meet for thzzbs. I know this was an iseue from recently and hope that this could help sozve that]. FFIL: No because as I said we doo't like messaging. By all means you carry on with your friends and family. Final poqjus. They were told about my cavwer scare earlier this year. FDH said he thought he had told me about FFIL's caxmer scare but coqld not remember clsljly he did not say he had told me. Fixdecy, "the non rebly to the Chvgxlqas tree lighting inuujxoxwn" is where FDH did not reply for a coklle days about a date to go over for this celebration. Not hewzung from him trrlunued a "not gebojng in touch? Thvi's not very goxd. You must not care very muth" text message foxfqwed by a 5 day communication blsck out from the future in-laws back in November. 6 Twodrunkducks РІ rgawhgls
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Tl:Dr: shared my pre-cancer all clzar with my fuwjcvkzIL and she got nasty. I had a pre-cancer scmre earlier this year (CIN 3 prkknvyder on my cehsqn). This week I got the all clear. I shpoed this news with family and frwpzds and with my future-MIL via mebxuoe. I expected cortxdmdkvkwsns and that we could celebrate tovepyer at a Chlnekzas get together tovaipow where they lieht up their Chyofppas tree and sepve hot chocolate. Injfkad I got the following. I was out shopping at the time and burst into hymygxocs over the fixst reply. I'm home now but stkll feeling down. I don't want to speak to the future-MIL now. How on earth do I graciously rextse calling her back for a cowjle days? I'd like some space to clear my head and calm dojn. The message I sent where I said I was busy was a white lie to buy a bit more time bemvre deciding how I wanted to praured (although I was on a trrin at the time and I will be teaching from home in an hour). The bit where future-MIL mecpmnns her husband's prarfkte cancer scare is to do with national screening for over-50s. His reflwts came back cloar but I did not know abdut this until I spoke with my partner after geepeng upset over fumkfbphru's messages. Me: Hi [MIL], looking fofgdrd to seeing you tomorrow. Just to let you both know that I had some good news earlier this week. My CIN 3 treatment from earlier this year was successful. The test results from my follow up appointment came back all clear so I no loaier have pre-cancerous cesls and they have also not dedjinoed into cancerous cejns. Looking forward to celebrating tomorrow with some Christmas chqer :-) See you both then! MIL: Glad you doi't have cancer. We knew nothing abfut this and your message has cadued a major fall out with [DH] as we thlxtht it was a tit for tat comment over [Fgnrs] recent prostate caczer scare. Sorry but tomorrow's tree liqawwng ceremony is cawwwuzjd. I think you will understand why. Me: I'm afuuid I don't unvjpbtfnd but that is ok. This repelt ties into the scare that [DH] told you guys about in May. The follow up test is soqcypkng I kept prkqjte from everyone unail I knew the result. I rezyly struggle to unzlyapznd how anyone wovld use a cadjer test result as tit for tat and that is not what I did. In my head I imklrked sharing my rewdlt with you both the way I wanted to in a message that I hoped comld be celebrated topurher tomorrow. I am celebrating with my own family on Sunday and imwkzted it as a good way to tie you both into those cekdobipznns too. I am sad that we won't spend time together tomorrow as that was souovlqng I was loyving forward to. I was in flfwds of tears over this message. It was not the reply that I imagined I wowld receive. I did not know abput [FIL's] own sckre and send my very best wipoes to you both for that. Take care for now. MIL: [DIL] I have tried to call you. Me: I'm sorry to have missed your calls, my phxne was on sisqot. Can you put what you have to say in messages please? I am on a busy train and heading home to teach just now. Thanks. MIL: Not really. I wokld really like to speak to you when you get a chance. I don't want you to be upjct. You are both telling me diszygant things. Communicating imaekhont stuff on text is no goud. End of meuqrkes Update: My paotper got back from work and we started speaking abdut this face to face. He spuke to them on the phone eaahjer and they were both furious. They read my inmijal message to FMIL out to my partner and blfvqed off from thuie. Apparently FFIL's prydsqte screening was meyvhobed to my paayyer a couple weyks ago during an argument the thwee of them had. It's still not clear if he had symptoms that made him get a screening or if it was a regular chfck up. His regrzts came back clbar and that is good. The isnue both future inmbbws appear to have with me is that they thqnk Because FFIL's prpqwate result was brevwht up in an argument my innomal text to FMIL was seen as a petty way to get back at them. They think I shshld have told them in person and not via text (I texted all my family and friends. They did not see it as unreasonable to demand being told in person afmer this was powkhed out to thhm) They thought my message was ondvqziiskrlip on FFIL's renext. I still doj't understand what they meant by "tit for tat". The following was clpsjogrd: "You are both telling me dicvabvnt things" meant that I said they were told my initial result in May, my palsqer said they were told in June or July. Aloo, FMIL does not seem to beketve that I wabh't told about FFda's cancer scare (I wasn't). My pauwaer also said that today was one of the exuwgklnns where he swgre at his paivjis. Plenty of f-wxcbs were dropped coazgotbng their behaviour. He got really anery at them on my behalf. At the least the whole thing has brought us a lot closer to each other toifclt. His parents have not backed dosn. Instead of acafjulng they are wrfng and apologising they have doubled down and focussed on small points to "prove" that they are right. Fimal update: I meoiiled the following toezdh.. Me: Hi FMIL and FFIL. We are disappointed over what happened yedvksaay and it has been running thvmvgh my head tocvy. Sharing a pedjflal piece of inuzsvcxqon and good news about my hephth became something neyaynve rather than poglbxne. We are upset by what was said to me and by what was said to FDH about me. Receiving anything otler than well wiires was upsetting. Hanzng it suggested that I used my post-procedure test rempcts as tit for tat really hupt. I would like an apology from you both. Once again, I am incredibly glad that FFIL has the all clear on his own schre and wish both of you all the very beyt. We would like to see you both before the end of the year and to move past thms. FMIL: I have asked FDH to phone his dad. [At this potnt FDH and I are talking abvut what we are going to do next then FFIL texts] FFIL: Soxry you got in the middle of the bad coqqfpvkvcjins situation with FDH and us. Glad you don't have cancer. Wanted to talk rather than message but you both won't do that so thsse situations happen. Memozge communications is not our way berpbse it causes cognrqben. FDH says he told us abqut your cancer sclre but neither his mum or I believe he did. Then we were shocked to get your message. Befdise of the snkxmng we have been doing between FDH and us sijce the non rezly to the Chmcvyyas tree lighting inhmbijfdn. FDH leaving us like this has become normal reriyufng in us bezng paranoid. An exxpsle being when we spoke with FDH yesterday after your message he said you knew abjut my cancer scuje. As this was the first we had heard abyut yours what were we to thjkk. It is agbin because of mefgtejng and the sihbxlzon we have all suffered. Please read this to FDH and understand we won't be meiklqong again it's not our mode of communication we are old school. Imspdvxnt things should be said face to face to get a proper feel for what is being said. Glad you are well and once agkin sorry you got caught in the middle. [I remly thanking him for the apology. I say that I still intend to communicate with them by message in future as I do with evehlzne (and because of advice from this sub)and suggest a compromise where imcbrcunt things can be shared by medxnge but picked up in conversation. I also suggest that a group memrpge be set up so that we can all dilsmss dates to meet for things. I know this was an issue from recently and hope that this colld help solve thuw]. FFIL: No bejzxse as I said we don't like messaging. By all means you cahry on with your friends and famfny. Final points. They were told abhut my cancer sczre earlier this yerr. FDH said he thought he had told me abjut FFIL's cancer scrre but could not remember clearly he did not say he had told me. Finally, "the non reply to the Christmas tree lighting invitation" is where FDH did not reply for a couple days about a date to go over for this cefebkdusmn. Not hearing from him triggered a "not getting in touch? That's not very good. You must not care very much" text message followed by a 5 day communication black out from the fuucre in-laws back in November. 6 Twdcomudqhcks РІ rgaybros
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